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Grit ‘n’ Grace: Good Girls Breaking Bad Rules

Episode #78: What You Need to Know About Dreams, Needs, and Wants

 

Cheri

Hey, this is Cheri Gregory…

 

Amy

…and I’m Amy Carroll…

 

Cheri

…and you’re listening to “Grit ‘n’ Grace: Good Girls Breaking Bad Rules.” The podcast that helps you lose who you’re not, love who you are, and live your one life well.

 

Amy

We are delighted that you’ve joined us for another installment of our retrospect series as we get intentional about living examined lives, together!

 

Cheri

Let’s see, one, two, three, four, five. So, for the fifth line on our personal manifestos, I had to work hard to figure out the overarching theme. I’m like, “Okay, these don’t actually match, but I think they complemented each other really, really well.” Go ahead and share yours.

 

Amy

I pursue an extraordinary life punctuated by fun and adventure. This was for me, sort of, a response to the fact that Barry and I tend toward workaholism. I mean, it’s a blessing, because both of us have work that we love, but we work way too much. There are times that I’m like, we need to press pause here and punctuate with some fun and adventure. So, that was part of it. It’s just balancing work and fun and adventure. I think God’s created us in this amazing world, and we should just see it.

 

You know how I love to travel. For me, a lot of that has to do with getting another stamp on my passport. That was kind of what led to this other realization, is that I want to pursue adventure. I want to have an extraordinary life. I was in India for the second time, and I realized that in the 10 years in-between when I went the first time and when I went the second time, that I had, sort of, developed this reserve. That my daring, my sense of daring and adventure has subsided a lot in those 10 years and some fear had taken over. It just was this realization of – I was like, “Oh no. Oh no. I am not going to be the 80 year old that never leaves their house and sits and watch TV all day. I will not be that person.”

 

I was starting to feel the drift towards being that person. I was, like, I’m just going to continue to push myself past boundaries that feel safe to me. I don’t mean putting myself in danger. I’m just saying, sometimes safety’s all relative, but by pushing and pursuing adventure that I’m going to make sure that I, at 80, am the woman that I’ve always wanted to be at 80, which is that woman that will still try new things. The woman who will go out with the younger crowd and that will maybe take another trip to India by then.

 

Cheri

I love it. Any ideas for what this might look like in the New Year?

 

Amy

Gosh, I’m always praying for the next trip to India. But also, I think, well, I have overscheduled myself this fall. This is a place where I’m going to need to grow again. It’s really, watching my calendar some, and making sure that there’s some white space for some spontaneity. I always love how you say you like your spontaneity very carefully planned.

 

Cheri

That’s right.

 

Amy

Well, you at least have to very plan some white space…

 

Cheri

That’s true.

 

Amy

… or there’s no room for spontaneity. That would be one step. How about you?

 

Cheri

All right, so my, what do we say? One, two, three, four, five. My fifth statement on my personal manifesto doesn’t sound nearly as exotic as yours. I’m, like, I want to rewrite mine. I like hers better than mine. Then I was like, no, God has given us each what we need to work on. Mine says, “I’m responsible for knowing and meeting my own needs.” And so, the overarching umbrella for all of this is, “Dreams, wants, and needs.” Because it’s really hard for us to be able to move to the things we want and those larger dreams, if our basic needs aren’t being cared for.

 

In my case, I’ve either been so unaware of them as we talked, a couple of weeks ago. For most of my life, I didn’t know I was a highly sensitive person. So, I was out there exhausting myself, not taking care of, I mean, simple, basic things like, not getting enough to drink, not eating frequently enough. And so, I was then a burden to other people. So, being very, very cognizant of just what my basic physical needs are. I’m taking my sleep needs a lot more seriously. I’m wearing, well, it’s not an actual Fitbit, but it’s the equivalent of a Fitbit. I have data now. Oh, my gosh. I’m dangerous with data, to see how much sleep I’m getting, how much deep sleep I’m getting. It’s a perfectionist’s dream to have so much data, but used wisely it’s helping me know am I really getting those basic physical needs met.

 

Nobody else can be in charge of that. I could get up in the morning and blame everybody else that I’m tired and cranky, but it’s really my responsibility to go to bed on time and to make sure that I’m getting my sleep and all those kinds of things. For too many years, if I wanted to have fun, I griped at Daniel for not being more fun. Well, you can imagine how much good that did. Or I would think, “Well, if he really loved me, he’s spend more time with me.” Well, yeah. Sitting and sulking that my husband isn’t spending more time with me did not produce any results.

 

One thing I can say, as a success in 2017, is that this summer we got in the habit of taking walks together.

 

Amy

Nice!

 

Cheri

When the school year started, I could feel myself starting to get snarky and what I was going to say is, well, actually I did say it. I won’t make myself sound better than I am. I said, “It’s been nice knowing you. See you in June.” Because that’s the way our lives have tended to be. During the summer we tend to get closer, but then once the school year starts everything takes over, and he said, “No. I really want to keep up the walking together.” I was, like, I was terrible. I was like, “Yeah, right.” I said, “It’ll last the first week.” You know what? We are still taking walks together in the evening. And he’s…

 

Amy

Score for Daniel!

 

Cheri

That’s right.

 

Amy

And we hope Daniel has scored.

Cheri

You know what? I think that’s entirely different topic that is not in our notes, Amy Carroll.

 

Amy

I don’t know. Fun and adventure, it all falls in this category, I think. It’s an adult show, right?

 

Cheri

It is now. But I did tell him, “I really enjoyed this. I’d like to continue.” He has responded by… I can’t even finish a sentence now. Thank you so much. As long as I’m not traveling or sick, he’s made a point to come home, and text me that he’s on his way home. One time, he just showed up at 7:30. We had been taking our walks at 6:00, and he showed up at 7:30. I wasn’t ready to take a walk. In fact, it was inconvenient. Now, I did, but I could feel myself starting to seethe, because of course, I get upset about really important things in this world, Amy. Like what time my husband did or didn’t come home to take a walk with his wife.

 

What I said was, I asked for what I needed. I said, “I’m so glad you came home, and I’m loving that we’re taking a walk. Would it be possible for you to text me when you leave school?” Because then I could wrap up what I’m doing, I could change into walking clothes, and I could be ready to go as soon as you get home. He has texted me every single time.

 

Now, that’s not always going to be the result that all of our listeners get. Let’s be clear. I’ve had people ask me, well, if I already know that people aren’t going to do what I say, why should I even put myself out there? Why should I tell them what I need? I know I’ve said it before, but I’m going to say it again. The reason we say what we need is because we want to be the kind of women who express what we need. Who are honest. Rather than the kind of women who hold it all in and become bitter. I have discovered, it is worse to hold it in than it is to say it out loud and discover that somebody isn’t going to actually follow through. Because that actually gives me some good information, but I, at least, have been honest. I have been a person of integrity, because I’m saying it out loud.

 

Even though my, this line on my personal manifesto isn’t as exciting as yours, I think it’s going to lead there, because the more I am taking responsibility for knowing and meeting my own needs then, and then moving onto my wants. Which I know we’ve talked about how hard that can be for a people pleaser to even admit that we have wants, because I didn’t need Daniel to text me. It was a want. It was a personal preference, and he’s allowed to say, “No, I’m not going to do it.” Then, we can move on to our dreams. I think a lot of us get our dreams sabotaged, because we start to dive into them. They start to grow, but then we aren’t taking care of our needs, and everything comes crashing down.

 

Amy

Absolutely. I totally agree with you. Well, and it does speak to the whole male, female thing that I think that women for years have been accused of – you want us to be mind readers.

 

Cheri

Yes.

 

Amy

There’s a lot of truth in that. We think it only counts if they figure it out themselves. That’s nuts. So good for you, and good for Daniel. That’s awesome!

 

Cheri

Head on over to GritNGraceGirls.com, and click on new episode.

 

Amy

There you’ll find the transcript and a free download that you can use as you pray-cess today’s episode for yourself.

 

Cheri

Come on over and find our Facebook group also. We’ll be doing some fun Facebook lives. Just go on Facebook and search for Grit n Grace Girls. You’ll find our page and our group as well.

 

Amy

Join us next week for another retrospect conversation, because an examined life is a better life.

 

Cheri

For today: grow your grit … embrace God’s grace … and when you run across a bad rule, you know what to do: go right on ahead and…

 

Amy ‘n’ Cheri

BREAK IT!!!