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Grit ‘n’ Grace: Good Girls Breaking Bad Rules

Episode #59: Created to Be Different — Living an Extraordinary Life

 

 

Amy

Part of being a reforming perfectionist means that I’m so much more comfortable breaking any perceived rule if somebody gives me permission. That’s why this email from one of my listeners tickled me pink! She says,

 

“Hi Amy and Cheri — I LOVE the permission slips!  Are you kidding me? I don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed for failing? Wow. I’ve wasted a lot of emotional energy and time on that one!  Seems like I should have figured that out before age … er … uh … 40-something.”

 

Cheri

I love it! Hey, if you’re listening and you don’t know what permission slip she’s talking about, head over to gritngracegirls.com and sign up for our email list, and you’ll get 12 permission slips that will help you break bad rules.

 

Amy

You know, at the end of our podcast, it makes me happy every time we say, “Break it!” Those bad rules can really get in your head, right?

 

Cheri

It’s my favorite part of the show. You know, as soon as we’re done recording, I always giggle like a fiend. I so identify with this listener; she says,

 

“My biggest struggle is breaking these default, ingrained thought patterns.”

 

Boy, those are the hardest ones to break.

 

Amy

Oh, yeah! And I call those ingrained, obsessive thoughts in my head “The Loop”, and The Loop is hard to lose.

 

Cheri

Well, this is Cheri Gregory…

 

Amy

…and I’m Amy Carroll…

 

Cheri

…and you’re listening to “Grit ‘n’ Grace: Good Girls Breaking Bad Rules.”

 

Amy

Today, we’re talking to Carey Scott, author of Uncommon: Pursuing a Life of Passion and Purpose. Carey is a speaker, author, and life coach who is honest about her life and faith… stumbles, fumbles and all. Her ministry focuses on helping women untangle their self-worth from the world and secure it in Jesus. Carey and her husband, Wayne, live in Colorado with their two teenagers.

 

Cheri

If you feel like you’re held hostage by old thought patterns, Carey’s sharing some practical ways retrain your brain and find freedom!

 

Amy

So Carey, I read your wonderful book. Tell us about the title. What do you mean by Uncommon?

 

Carey

I think so often it’s difficult to see the difference between people that believe in Jesus and people that don’t. I mean I can even say that about me. There are times I’m driving my car that you would never know that I’m a Jesus loving girl, right? ! I felt like that Uncommon was this battle cry. This call that God was giving me to rise up and live my life differently, because our whole reason for being on earth is to point others to the Lord, to our Father in Heaven. And if the way we speak and the way we live and how we going about our day to day is not pointing others to Him; we’re missing something. And so this call to be uncommon is really this call to be different, to live different, to be more intentional, not perfect, but more purposeful and intentional and how we live our life.

 

Amy

I felt, the whole time I was reading it, I felt like it’s such a mentoring book. You have such a girlfriend voice, so it’s friendly and warm, but it is a mentor calling us up. And I was challenged and just loved that challenge.

 

Cheri

I felt my toes being stomped on, and then you had to go and bring up a car. What is that about? I’m supposed to be Christ-like the way I drive my car? Hello? Where did that come from!

 

Carey

Seriously just this morning I’m driving my kids to school, and I’m sitting at a stoplight and it turns green; it’s clearly green. It’s been green for five seconds, and the car in front of me has not moved. And I yelled at the top of my lungs, “START DRIVING!” And my kids both looked at me, and said, “That’s great, mom, that’s really great.” It’s so easy to live common, normal, ordinary lives that everybody else lives, that the world tells you is acceptable, and you deserve to live this way, you deserve to act this way, but for us to rise up and live differently. To decide that living uncommon and pointing others to God is a goal of our life, an objective. I like people like that. Those are the people I want to hangout with.

 

Amy

Beautiful!

 

Cheri

Well, in chapter 5, which you called uncommon faith, you said something that totally resonated with me. You said, ”All too often we cry out to God, show me first and I’ll trust you second.” And I’m like, ahh, you mean we’re not supposed to do it in that order? And then you talked about something that is, like, so from my childhood. You talked about Weebles. So kind of explain the whole Weeble analogy. I think it’s brilliant!

 

Carey

Thank you, I really dated myself talking about these Weebles. But it was this toy, back in the day, where you couldn’t knock it over. So Weebles had a center of gravity at the bottom of it, and they would move and shake and weeble and you could knock it over, but they always came back to their upright position, every single time. And so the whole goal of what you tried to do with this toy was to try to knock it down and keep it down, but you couldn’t do it. And I saw that as huge parallel to faith. We do get knocked down. And for us to think that we’re never going to get beat up by life, for us to think that because we are Jesus girls it’s all going to be easy, and that God is going to clear every path for us is unrealistic. But what is realistic is to think when we get knocked down, when life comes at us, and the storms blow us over we have no choice but to get back up. That’s the uncommon response. The common response is to hide under the covers, eat cookie dough, and watch chick flicks. That’s the common response.

 

Amy

Cars and cookie dough, really Carey?!

 

Carey

I’m so sorry!

 

<Laughter>

 

Amy

Gosh!

 

Carey

But for us to get out of our bed, we can’t sit in our mess any longer girls! We can’t do it! We are being taken out of the game, and it’s time for us to embrace this call to live differently.

 

Amy

Preach, girl!

 

Cheri

You said something else that just challenged me to my core, but I think I can read this more easily as I approach 50 than I would have read it in my 20s. “God has a perfect track record in your life. He has answered every prayer the way you needed it to be answered rather than the way you wanted it to be answered.” And that was so much harder when I was younger. Now I look back and I’m like, oh yeah, thank God, oh yeah, thank God. So share what this has looked like in your life.

 

Carey

Well, a big example that comes to mind, and I am 50, so I know exactly what you’re saying. We were trying to purchase this house across town because we had moved our kids to this other school that was across town. And it was a long drive in traffic. And you know me and driving behind the wheel… so we were trying to curb that, that yelling experience, so we found this perfect house, it was in the perfect neighborhood. It was at a good price. It would’ve cut down on so much time; it was perfect. It was great! It was everything we wanted. And we put a contract on the house, and we couldn’t sell ours. I think we had over 30 showings of the house we were living in, and it wouldn’t sell. And we got to the end of our timeframe and the sellers of this other home that we wanted graciously extended the contract for like another 15 days, and so we did everything we could to get our house to sell, and it didn’t, and we lost this house. I was furious. I remember screaming out to God and saying what is wrong! And saying we’re not selling babies or, you know, having a drug lab in our basement; you know, we just wanted to be closer to school and church. Like what are we doing wrong here? I know that’s hard to imagine that I would get angry, but I was so mad. Well, we stayed in our house for another couple of years, and all of a sudden the most amazing neighborhood opened up with a ridiculously, low price. A realtor offered to sell our house for dirt-cheap; the cash buyer came in and purchased our other house and wanted us to fix nothing, and we got into this house so much cheaper. And it’s such a better place, and we had to wait two years. So that’s a perfect example of God I want you to answer this prayer this way and going okay, maybe you see down the road, and there’s a better yes. And that’s what we have to wait for sometimes. If he says no here, it’s ‘cause there’s a better yes down the road.

 

Amy

So good! My word for the year is believe, and man, I’m learning so much. And yesterday what I journaled and then blogged about was how believing is confident rest. That’s exactly what you just described. Faith is confidence rest that you’re not, sorry Carey, that you’re not screaming at God about the house you lost because – this is the goal, right –

 

Carey

It’s okay; I own it!

 

Amy

I’m not there yet either, girl, but I just had the realization that you’re, like, okay believe, faith. I can believe and know something different is coming and that God’s way is better.

 

Carey

Well, it’s that verse that hit me between the eyes when I wrote my book Untangled. It’s that Psalm 46:10, and we all know it as, be still and know that he is God, but in the NASB it says cease striving and know that he is God. That hit me between the eyes, because I realize that’s all I do is strive. I’m striving to win. I’m striving to meet deadlines. I’m striving to be known. I’m striving to provide good content. I’m striving to be the right mom and the right wife, and just sit back and be obedient and let God be God and realize that we are not. That’s a huge, huge part of walking out uncommon faith.

 

Amy

So one of the things that God has really been doing in my heart this year as well as building faith is working on me about kindness. And one of your chapters, I was so excited when I got to it, Uncommon Kindness, I loved what you said that you used to think that kindness was a mark of weakness. Talk about that a little bit.

 

Carey

I come from a very rough background. So I decided to face life with a sword in my hand, and I fought every battle within a 50-mile radius. And I would see all those people that were so kind, and were able to turn the other cheek or to not live offended and just respond with grace and kindness, and I always thought you guys are weenies. Like we need to annihilate – in my family, I always say this, my husband is the diplomat, and I’m the assassin.

 

<Laughter>

 

So, you know, so, that’s kind of how we approach everything. So kindness to me – I always, kind of, saw that as, you’re weak. I started looking at some of these people that were so kind, and I realized how much courage and strength it took to be kind when what you wanted to do was slap someone upside the head. And not even to be a fake kind; they were genuinely kind. I think about all the times I had someone respond to me in kindness when they should’ve slapped me upside the head, because I came at them full bore. You know, mama bear and all, or just for my wounded self, because I am so imperfect, and God is still healing some places in me that make me rise up in anger when those places get poked, but I’m realizing that it takes greater strength. It takes stronger faith. It takes more courage. It takes uncommon forgiveness. It takes a position of gratitude and gratefulness to even be able to reach out and be kind to somebody. This was a hard chapter for me to write. Talk about stepping on toes; this one knocked me to the floor.

 

Amy

Yeah it is difficult! I did a challenge earlier this year. And to be intentionally kind is actually hard work. It’s refining work. You talk about someone who was kind with expectations. What’s that about?

 

Cheri

Let me jump in and say if that was me, I apologize, because, I’m like, the perfectionist in me, I’m reading this book, and I’m like, “Oh my gosh, I wonder what month that was, maybe I’m the one.” So the people pleaser in me is, like, feeling really guilty here.

 

Amy

Carey was so nice not to put our names in her book!

<Laughter>

 

Carey

I know. I’m still waiting for the money from you guys that check, that payoff check. So whenever you put that in the mail, just let me know.

 

<Laughter>

 

Carey

This was a real revelation to me. Because I think so often, we are kind because we want someone to do something for us. So, I remember somebody sending me information on wanting me to jump on a launch team for their book, which is such a blessing to be able to do that for somebody, and it is such a blessing for the person launching the book to have this tribe of people to help promote it. It’s a big undertaking, and I would have loved to have done this. I do often jump on launch teams, but my life wouldn’t allow it at that moment. You guys know what that’s like; when you just have so many things on your list. So I said to this woman, I said, “I’m so sorry. I would love to, but I cannot fit that in right now, but I can promote on my own. I can’t be part of your organized effort, but I can do this on my own.” And she stopped talking to me. She was so kind upfront, and all the things she was saying and just connecting it. How’s your family? How’s this going? And blah, blah, blah. And the moment I said no, she stopped talking to me. What that left me feeling like was the only reason you were being nice to me, the only reason you were being kind to me was because you wanted something from me. And when I couldn’t give it to you, for no other reason than just a full calendar, I really saw your true motives. I think it’s so important that when we show kindness it’s not because we want to make somebody else look bad, or it’s not because we want a certain reputation. We are just kind, because we are choosing to walk out that uncommon kind of living.

 

Amy

So the hard question is how do we see that in ourselves? Yes, I think we deceive ourselves about ourselves so much. When we’re being kind to get something what do you think that indicators are? What can we be aware of in ourselves?

 

Carey

I think you just check your motives. Why am I wanting to connect with this woman online? Why am I wanting to volunteer? Why am I wanting to reach out to that wife that’s struggling early in marriage? Why am I wanting to help that mom whose children are in a really, rough patch? Is it because I want to feel better about me? Is it because I want to look good to a certain amount of people, or is it because I want a certain number followers on Facebook? And I think if you check your motives at the door – see I just want to be kind for being kind. That is the attitude we should have. I don’t want anything in return. I just want to be kind because that’s how God has asked me to live.

 

Cheri

It sounds like you’re talking about selective kindness where we pick and choose, not you, not you, OH YOU! Because at least for me, being kind to everyone is exhausting and a lot of people don’t deserve it. I’m sorry. They just don’t deserve it. They don’t deserve my best behavior!

 

<Laughter>

 

Carey

Don’t ever be in front of me in the car, because I’m not super kind as I drive.

 

<Laughter>

 

Cheri

Oh my word! Obviously, I’m being tongue-in-cheek, I hope.

 

Amy

Yeah, don’t send Cheri an email about that, y’all.

 

Cheri

Please, because you don’t want to hear what I’ll email back!

 

<Laughter>

 

Cheri

Alright, well in your chapter on uncommon obedience, you said, ”Obedience takes grit. We love that you used the word grit there, because it requires us to step out of our comfort zone. Obedience often makes us face our insecurities.” And none of us, recovering people pleasers, perfectionists, or highly sensitive people, none of us wake up in the morning and say, Oh goody today I get to face my insecurities, woo-hoo!” So you said there’s three common ways that the enemy dissuades us: we run or hide, we excuse ourselves, and we question the call. And all three of those really hit home, so what I was hoping you would share with us is what are some of the benefits of facing our insecurities, of going ahead and experiencing the discomfort of choosing to obey anyway.

 

Carey

My gosh, that’s a hard sell. I get it because, to me, I don’t want to be uncomfortable, and I don’t want to necessarily step out into something that doesn’t feel good to me. And that’s when I say God I just want to stay in this lane, just clear my path and let me stay in this lane, and if you want me to do something else then maybe you’ve got the wrong person. Maybe if I fly under the radar, you won’t really notice me. Or you know what, that’s really a good idea God, but I disqualified myself, because I’ve had some really bad experiences or made bad choices or had a shady past or whatever it might be. But here’s what I’m learning. I’m learning that obedience is such a choice that we make. Every day, we have the choice to do it. Every part of walking out our faith and just living the way that God wants us to live, we have a choice. Are we going to obey what he says or not? And here’s what I discovered, and here’s why I’m an advocate for obedience. There’s a blessing on the other side of it. So what I see in my life, and I’m sure you’ve seen this too, when you choose to say yes to God, there’s a blessing that comes with that. And it may not be immediate and it may not be the blessing you had hoped for, but there’s something on the other side of that that makes you go, Okay, this was really worth doing that. For example, when God asked me to become a speaker. It was like this vision I had at night, and I laid my head down and all of a sudden I had this PowerPoint of me standing in front of women, speaking. And I said, no, there’s no way I’m doing that, Lord. Not gonna happen! I’m a face sweater, and I will stand in front of an audience and my face will sweat and they’ll be thinking that I’m dying. So I’m not doing it. I went to sleep, and I didn’t think anything about it. Woke up the next morning, and I thought, oh gosh, okay Lord I’m going to make a deal with you, because we make deals with God. And I said, “So I’ll do it but you’ve got to bring it to me.” Do you know what, ladies? Every speaking engagement that I have had in these 12 years people have just showed up on my email. People have just somehow found out about me. Other than doing a website, I don’t have any other promotion. I don’t do anything else. But I’ve continued to say yes to the next right step that God asked. Here’s what I think happens, the enemy makes us look all the way down the road to the very end result. And we say there’s no way I can be obedient to that, God, I don’t know how to get from where I am to where you want me to be. I think that is such a big tactic of the enemy, but, what if, instead of looking ahead that far we just said what is the next right step. I’m going to say yes to the next right step that you put in front of me. That’s a game changer for me.

 

Cheri

Love it!

 

Amy

So our audience is filled with reforming perfectionists. I think you put yourself in that category right, too, Carey?

 

Carey

Absolutely!

 

Amy

Reforming perfectionists and people pleasers and highly sensitive women, as well. So as just a parting thought, what do you have for us to encourage us?

 

Carey

I think the biggest truth nugget I want you to walk away with is this: uncommon living is not about being perfect. Praise the Lord! Being an uncommon woman and living in uncommon ways is all about just being purposeful. It’s about having passion for walking out our faith. It’s about pursuing what the Lord is asking us to pursue. So if there are any of you out there going, that’s a really great idea, that’s a cute little tagline or title or whatever it might be, there’s no way I can walk that out. You don’t know my life. You don’t know what I’ve been through, or I won’t be able to do it perfectly, so I’m not even going to do it. What I want to say to you is the Lord would never ask us to do something perfectly. And the Lord would never ask us to do something that will set us up for failure. What I think delights His heart more than anything is when we say yes in our messiness, in our brokenness, and in our imperfection, and say I’m going to try to walk this out with purpose. And Lord thank you for forgiveness and for restarts and for second chances when I mess up, because I’m absolutely going to do that. So it’s not about perfection; it’s about purpose.

 

Cheri

Head over to GritNGraceGirls.com/episode59.

 

Amy

You’ll find links to this week’s Digging Deeper Download, Bible verse art, and transcript.

 

Cheri

If  you’ve enjoyed Episode #59 of Grit ‘n’ Grace: Good Girls Breaking Bad Rules, would you leave us a review on iTunes? You’ll find a link on the web page for this episode.

 

Amy

Be sure to join us next week, when we’ll be processing together what we learned from our time with Carey.

 

Cheri

For today: grow your grit … embrace God’s grace … and when you run across a bad rule, you know what to do: go right on ahead and…

 

Amy ‘n’ Cheri

BREAK IT!!!

 

Outtakes

 

Cheri

Carey, do you have a microphone, even earbuds would do fine, because you’re little soft.

 

Carey

Oh, I’ve never been told that before!

 

<Laughter>

Amy

That’s an outtake!

 

Carey

That’s not something anybody has ever said about me before, so thank you!

 

Amy

I told Cheri I was so happy and excited to be interviewing you this morning. Do you remember me calling you both in meltdown mode when I was writing my book and I was like ahhhh!

 

Cheri

Yes!

 

Amy

Carey, I didn’t even know you, and I’m calling you!

 

Carey

That was our intro!

Amy

That was one of about 10,000 meltdowns when I was writing that book.

 

Carey

Hey, this is not for the faint of heart, ladies. Writing books is – I think we’re half crazy for doing it to be honest with you.

 

Amy

No joke! And, hey, Carey, here’s the real kicker. Guess what Cheri and I are working on? …