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Grit ‘n’ Grace: Good Girls Breaking Bad Rules

Episode #215: How to Release and Surrender the “Extra” of 2020

 

Note: This is an unedited, machine-generated transcript that is 70-80% accurate.

 

 

Amy Carroll 00:00

As we continue our series on spiritual disciplines Today’s topic is

 

Cheri Gregory 00:06

my least favorite word in the English language. Yeah,

 

00:11

I think we all feel

 

Amy Carroll 00:13

thankfully, Barb is so wise and fun that she’s still helping us to take the out out of spiritual disciplines as she is today. Barb discusses how to let go of all the residual anger from 2020. Oh, the residual eggs from 2020 otherwise known as the year of extra, there’s a lot to release.

 

Cheri Gregory 00:37

Oh, Is there ever no friends Listen up Barb shares the best idea I have ever heard for letting go of control and surrendering to God’s hope and peace.

 

Amy Carroll 00:49

So here’s the deal we recorded Barb weeks ago, maybe months ago, Sherry and I’ve been chewing on that idea that you’ll have to wait for sharing it like crazy with friends ever since but we can’t wait to share it with you today listening friend.

 

Cheri Gregory 01:06

Well, this is Cheri Gregory.

 

Amy Carroll 01:08

And I’m Amy Carroll

 

Cheri Gregory 01:10

and you’re listening to grit and grace, the podcast that equips you to lose who you’re not love who you are, and live your one life well.

 

Amy Carroll 01:19

Today we’re talking with Barbara Bruce author of surrendered 40 devotions to help you let go and live like Jesus. Barbara is is a speaker and author who is passionate about teaching women to live beautifully strong and courageous so that they experience God’s adventure of faith and purpose for their lives. She enjoys teaching and encouraging women at conferences and retreats across the country as well as internationally. Barb is the author of five Bible studies and three books including titles such as surrendered letting go and living like Jesus Joshua winning the worry battle and her new Bible study coming this April 2021 title breakthrough finding freedom in Christ she also writes a regular blog@barberie.com and hosts Better Together live through Facebook. Barb is proud mdns mom with three adult daughters she loves reading and traveling and whenever possible, she’d prefer to eat dessert first.

 

02:16

So Barb,

 

Cheri Gregory 02:17

I just have to say you had me at the dedication page of your surrendered Divo. It literally says you can let go, it will be okay. God is with you every step of the way. First of all, it just made me want to cry. So beautiful and it also rhymes. There’s just something so comforting about something that rhymes you can let go it will be okay. God is with you every step of the way. What a great way to begin.

 

Amy Carroll 02:43

There are three main sections of the book. And the first one is letting go of circumstances. It includes things like letting go of worrying, letting go of fixing, letting go of overthinking

 

Cheri Gregory 02:53

the second section is letting go of others. So just a few examples would be letting go of nagging, letting go of struggling adult children who are letting go of people pleasing.

 

Amy Carroll 03:05

Okay. Then to pile this on top of that letting go of attitudes and expectations is the last section with things like letting go of entitlement letting go of envy and letting go

 

Cheri Gregory 03:18

of perfectionism. Okay, so I think Barb, like just wrote this entire Divo for you and me and all of our friends who are listening. One of the things I love about the format of this is that every Divo has a quote that’s, you know, just kind of in bigger print. And as I was reading through one that jumped out at me that just met me where I was that God can do more in an instant than you can do in a lifetime and he doesn’t need your help. I’m going to print that out and put that on my mirror.

 

Amy Carroll 03:50

That’s some powerful stuff for an enneagram to and then for my enneagram oneself, this is what jumped out at me, whatever you’re using to control others will eventually begin to control you. And I had this like, oh, wow,

 

04:05

oh out. What I just even just reading that.

 

Cheri Gregory 04:09

So each devotional ends with a prayer that you can personalize by filling in the blanks with the specific letting go situation you’re in that day. I love that feature of being able to kind of customize it.

 

Amy Carroll 04:21

Absolutely. So here we go. It’s time to finally share this interview. But for Barb, she has to deal a little with my heckling first. So Barb, you kicked our tyshee so hard during our last interview that we just had to have you back for more. Okay, Sherry

 

04:37

right

 

Amy Carroll 04:37

that and I’m wondering like, are we masochist? Or do we need to learn more? I think it’s the latter.

 

Cheri Gregory 04:44

Hey, you’re the one who uses the expression. Oh, that hurts so good.

 

04:48

That’s right. That’s right. We

 

Amy Carroll 04:49

needed some more for sure. So after your Bible study titled surrendered, why did you write a 40 day devotional book?

 

Barb Roose 04:56

Well, it was back in the days of stay at home. During the pandemic, and apparently there was more I didn’t have control over. We all lost control we did and the actual content itself for the surrender devotional was really an opportunity for me to have to really test and believed it. I believe that letting go and surrender was really true because I just written the Bible study and it was out. But back during the quarantine, when we were all collectively grappling with the lack of control and the wilderness season across our world, that devotional really was an opportunity to go It doesn’t matter what is happening around us, including the most life changing event of our time. Surrender is still the path to peace.

 

Amy Carroll 05:44

So good. Yes. I think we needed another dose for sure. Oh, yeah.

 

Cheri Gregory 05:49

So Barb, could you review these five control loving behaviors, so I was hoping that you could review those for Amy’s sake.

 

05:58

Oh, really? For Amy sake.

 

Cheri Gregory 06:00

I’m a generous friend like that

 

Barb Roose 06:02

you are. And so for everyone who’s listening, this is all about Amy right now, but we’re gonna do it anyways. But yeah, there are five I’ve grouped our control loving efforts. And when we say control loving, I don’t say control freak, because I don’t believe that we should be defined by the thing that we struggle with. And so control loving is a behavior versus an identity. So shine sh E. S stands for stonewalling. That’s when we dig our heels in the H stands for helicoptering or micromanaging, hovering over people that I stands for interrupting. That’s whether you do it with words or you interfere with someone’s life. The N stands for nagging. And like I said before, I don’t even need to define that. And the E stands for excessive planning or stockpiling where we just gather up everything because we don’t want to be uncomfortable.

 

Cheri Gregory 06:53

All right, I’m over here taking notes me for myself. Alright, so we sometimes love going into True Confessions. So what which shine button or buttons? Did 2020 push extra hard for you? Like do you have a really good story that you could share with us that kind of illustrates it in action.

 

Barb Roose 07:15

I do you know how we all have the stories we can tell and the stories where Jesus is still working. So there is a story where Jesus is working. And it’s a big deal because it’s about one of my kids and my kids like their privacy. And so the one story I can tell that surrender Principle number one is I am not in control of others or outcomes. And so in the fall of 2020, my youngest daughter boomeranged back into my empty nest. And for any empty nesters out there, when you get used to it, you get used to it. She was in nursing school, and nursing schools pretty tough. And at the end of her lease, I said, you can come back and stay for a few weeks. And well while she was in nursing school, let’s just say that she has a different way of doing things than what I think that she should do them. So I have a Bible study, and a book all about letting go of control and not controlling others or outcomes. And my goodness, I spent a week walking around my apartment staring at her while she was asleep, because I thought she should be up and doing stuff. And then when she would like her things were laying around, and I was like, I want to talk about that too. And I wanted to nag a little bit. And then I wanted to interfere because she didn’t study when I thought she studied. And so I basically went through all of the shines. And some of those things. I was like, well, huh, look at me, I wrote a book and a Bible study and I still have to work on this. We

 

Amy Carroll 08:42

are all works in progress, for sure. And there’s nothing like writing a book to guarantee you will have to live it again.

 

Cheri Gregory 08:49

That’s God’s sense of humor. For everybody who is a writer, I am willing to bet you are not the only Mother of an adult child who has Boomerang back home who has struggled with some of these things during this unprecedented time. I mean, are you in conversation with others who are saying that they’re dealing with some of the same issues?

 

Barb Roose 09:11

Absolutely. In the surrender devotionals as well as the study their sections about dealing with adult children, this is a thing. And even for mothers who are dealing with teenagers at whatever point our children begin to make up their own mind about lives, there is a struggle there, or there is a struggle with a best friend. So maybe it’s not about a child, but it’s about anybody that we love, and we see them living in a way where we think they’re in danger. It triggers all of our control loving desires, because we want to protect what we love, fix what’s broken, and my goodness, we want to keep everybody on the track we think is right for them. So that’s where we’ve got to stop and ask those hard questions of going. Am I trying to control somebody? Do I need to let go

 

Amy Carroll 09:55

really, really good. Yeah, Sherry and I both have Boomerang children. So we’re right there with you

 

Cheri Gregory 10:02

well, and all of your explanations just now we’re so generous. The truth for me is usually Yeah, I don’t want to experience the pain from the consequences of their

 

Barb Roose 10:10

choice. Absolutely. And that is the hardest part. We don’t want to experience the pain. And when I we visited together before I shared for me, that’s a lot of my surrender journey was I had a loved one who had a severe addiction. And much of my controlling behavior was because the pain of trying to avoid pain, I didn’t want to have to deal with pain. And so letting go for some of us is if we let go and we trust God, then we feel like we’re allowing ourselves to be hurt. And what God is saying that it is that’s not the focus, the focus is that he can take care of us and he can heal us and give us hope. And that has to be greater than our fear of hurt.

 

Amy Carroll 10:53

Powerful.

 

Cheri Gregory 10:54

Thank you. I really needed to hear that today of all days. All right, so was there a particular shine button that was a big one for you in 2020? Or from this scenario you you just described to us? Was it like all of them at once?

 

Barb Roose 11:06

I believe that 2020 it was an extra year, it was extra. So I’m going to say that, uh, yeah, we’re gonna just say all of the buttons got pushed. It was a full year of extra How about everybody else? Anybody else feel it was extra. Amen.

 

Cheri Gregory 11:22

I’m just I’m imagining the shine buttons being like piano keys where somebody just came in with slam with all fingers going blam. blam blam, that was the music of 2020.

 

Barb Roose 11:33

That’s perfect. Yes,

 

Cheri Gregory 11:36

You know, thething about going into a new year is we often think of turning on over a new leaf and starting fresh. So do you suspect you have any contenders as to which of the shine buttons that you think might be a leading issue going into 2021.

 

Barb Roose 11:56

In my world, the eye is always one that I am praying about interrupting and my personality type. I’m an enneagram three that looks a little like an eight, a lot like an eight, which means that I like to get things done. And I love to influence people to get done what I want them to get done. So interrupting is something that I always have to be aware of. And James 119, about being quick to listen slow to speak slow to get angry, I really do need to have that tattooed on me in multiple places. So that’s the one that I pray about most often. Because I really want God to use me so that people can see that he loves and cares about them through me. And that’s hard to do when you’re always interrupted. I love it. You

 

Cheri Gregory 12:39

know, and I love the idea of really focusing on I mean, obviously listening to how the Holy Spirit leads but to go into a year knowing that there’s one to kind of keep an eye on out to ponder which one that would be for me,

 

Amy Carroll 12:52

Barb, please remind Sherry of your six surrender principles.

 

Barb Roose 12:57

I love how you to just show up for each other.

 

Amy Carroll 13:00

We’re in it together, man,

 

Cheri Gregory 13:02

she always has my best interests at heart.

 

Barb Roose 13:05

Absolutely, well, the six surrender principles. These were our guides, these are tools because control loving is a practice, the more we do it, the better we are at it. And so letting go or surrender giving over to God, we need to establish a practice as well. And so these surrender tools helped to establish the practice and so they’re not steps but rather they’re tools and reminders based on the truth of who God is. So here they are, number one surrender Principle number one is I am not in control of others or outcomes surrender Principle number two is I choose to live by faith, not rush to follow my feelings. There’s nothing wrong with feelings. It’s just when we rush to follow them, we might get things a little twisted. Number three, I love this one. I can always let go and give my problems to God. Have either of you ever prayed given something to God and then taking it back? Has that ever happened?

 

Amy Carroll 14:03

Maybe

 

Cheri Gregory 14:04

Amy does that all the time.

 

Barb Roose 14:07

So that surrender principle frees us from the guilt of doing that we can go you know what we’re just gonna give it back to God again surrender. Principle number four is trusting God’s promises will bless me but pushing my plans will stress me surrender. Principle number five is when fear attempts me to flee fixed or force my way I will choose to stop and pray. And then the last one surrender Principle number six. This was actually the very first surrender principle that I created. While we were living in our family’s addiction issue for years, I carried this principle and then the other ones followed later. And so for those of you listening today, and you are dealing with something that is far out of your control, I hope that this brings you peace today and it is this that surrender is my only path to God’s peace, power and provision.

 

Amy Carroll 14:57

Those are so powerful and you’re such an immense And communicator. I always think that that you’ve made them so memorable for us. So how can these principles help us navigate the early months of 2021 with intentionality, love and grace, we want to change your 2020

 

Barb Roose 15:14

we all do. And the journey of that I love Philippians one sixth, especially for those of us who do struggle with control of issues because we beat ourselves up when we look at the people that we love that we’re trying to fix, and they’re not happy and we beat ourselves up and I love Philippians one six, it says God who began a good work in US will continue it to completion. So God’s not going to give up on you as you are working through this. And what I do for myself is my control loving when I feel a shine behavior coming on. That’s my indicator that I need to think about those six surrender principle. So when I feel like stonewalling helicoptering interrupting nagging or excessive planning, I go Okay, bar, which surrender principle Do you need to remind yourself of right now? So my struggle is my trigger to use a tool?

 

Amy Carroll 16:06

That’s so good. We’ve talked a lot about red flags. So the shine part, those are the red flags that you need to implement one of these surrendering tools. Fantastic, so

 

Cheri Gregory 16:18

good. All right. Now, I am utterly fascinated by this next concept. What is your annual funeral?

 

Barb Roose 16:27

Well, it’s something that saved my life, which sounds crazy, but it saved my life. It was well over a decade ago that I began going to counseling because at the time, one of my children was diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger’s, and I couldn’t change it. So I began going to counseling because I was just really angry and upset that I couldn’t fix her. So the counselor, he kind of made me aware that I had expectations that were unhealthy. Does anyone else carry unhealthy expectations in their lives?

 

Amy Carroll 17:01

Like a backpack!

 

Barb Roose 17:05

And so those expectations were weighing me down, and they were stressing me out. And they were also making me very angry. So the annual funeral, it’s a space and time where I give myself opportunity to there’s three parts there is the being real with God with how I feel, I would tell God about what I hoped for what I expected what I dreamed about. And so I’m real with how I feel. Number two is that I would write them down, I would write out those expectations about what I thought was going to happen, and how I thought what I wanted to experience. And the number three was, I would release, I would have to say, God, these are the things that I wanted the things that I hoped for the things that I dreamed about the things that I thought would bring me joy, and they are not going to happen. And so God, I need to let these go, I need to bury these dreams, so that you can bring forth something new in their place. And I began to do that twice a year. And the reason why it saved my life was because I was married for 26 years. And throughout the course of that addiction trauma, there were lots of expectations and hopes and dreams that I had to let go of, I had to bury them or else I was going to become very bitter. And every spring and every fall, I would sit by this river in my community on a blanket, and I would do the be real, the write down and the release, and I would cry it out before God. And what I discovered was as I released and surrendered, that God was able to plant his peace and his hope I was able to go forward to new dreams, even as some of the things that I wanted, did not turn out as I hoped

 

Amy Carroll 18:46

Barb, how do you ask God to disconnect your past from influencing your life? Now?

 

Barb Roose 18:51

That’s the question of forgiveness. people define forgiveness in all kinds of ways. But that was inspired by Philippians chapter three, where the Apostle Paul is talking about living in joy. And so forgiveness is when we disconnect the effect of our past from influencing our future. Because when we are living in the past, and we’re holding on to it, it is there’s that same what forms you follows you and all of us have faced things that have happened that have hurt us that have kept us stuck, that are keeping us from moving forward. That is a process when we sit and we just say you know what, God, I can’t, but you can and I will let you and so we do not have to get through whatever it is that you need to forgive. It may not be instantaneous, but it is the willingness to say God I do not want what happened to me before to influence my future. I want you to be the influence of my future God,

 

Amy Carroll 19:48

wow. That’s another powerful picture of surrender and the power of surrender instead of we can’t white knuckle our way through forgiveness. We can just participate with what God can do.

 

Cheri Gregory 20:01

So why is it so hard to trust God to take care of us when he specifically promises? That is what he will do you know, are many of our listeners are like me and me, we got all the gold stars for when we had our memory versus when we were younger. So we know all of this stuff. Why is it so hard to put it into practice in our daily lives? Well, I

 

Barb Roose 20:22

think that the hardest part, especially for those of us living here, in first world, America, and this is one of the blessings of the pandemic was that we were not in the position to take care of ourselves. And yet God took care of us, I have a favorite story. And it’s in the devotional, and in the surrendered Bible study, and it’s Exodus chapter 16 of the Israelites in the wilderness right after they came out of slavery. And you can go back and read that chapter. But in essence, the Israelites were complaining, and God, even as they’re complaining, he says, I am going to send you food from heaven. Now they are complaining, and he says he’s gonna send it. And so one of the big pictures is that God is faithful, even when we were unfaithful. And then so God sends food from heaven, manna, here’s the thing, this is what’s so fun for me kind of like our life during the pandemic. So when the manna came down, they did not have to go to the grocery store to get it, they didn’t need Kroger, clicklist. Mom didn’t need to put the kids in the minivan, the food showed up right where they were at, they did not need paycheck number one, and that I believe that many of us have experienced where we saw God taking care of us in a situation in life, when we had little control over taking care of ourselves. And God took care of them for 40 years. They’re closed it and were out, he provided manna, and that for us is the same God who is taking care of us today. Because the truth and the reality is that we did go through that quarantine that stay at home, but we all have situations in life when we cannot provide what we need emotionally, spiritually relationally whatever that is, but God he can provide and he will provide as long as we need it.

 

Cheri Gregory 22:09

So so very true.

 

Amy Carroll 22:11

Barb, what are some of the things that we need to let go of in our lives, especially at the start of a new year? And tell us what are the steps to do that to let go?

 

Barb Roose 22:20

Well, letting go for me always begins with just stepping back and going, you know, what, what is it that I need to open my hands and hold more lightly, anything I’m holding on tight to anything that is stressing me out anything that’s keeping me sleepless at night, that’s the indicator that I need to let go of it. So that’s the first sign what’s keeping you up what’s on your thoughts. So if it’s finances, if it’s a relationship, it is one of your kids that won’t straighten up and fly, right? If it’s your job, if it’s a friendship, whatever it is that’s stressing you out. That’s what you need to let go of. And that letting go for me, I try to keep it simple. I sit there with my hands open, and I say God, I have to surrender this to you. I am not in control of others or outcomes. I need to let go of my expectations. And I have to trust that you love me that you are with me and you are for me, and that you will give me everything I need. I’m going to put the situation in your hands. I sometimes have to do that a couple of times for the same situation. But it is the process of recognizing what it is that’s stressing us out and then choosing to open our hands and let go of it.

 

Cheri Gregory 23:36

Do you actually do that physically?

 

Barb Roose 23:38

Yes, I do. Honey. Yes.

 

Amy Carroll 23:40

There is something about that. Isn’t there? like doing something physical that cements it? I look at the festivals of the Old Testament. I think God made us that way. He wired us that way.

 

Barb Roose 23:51

Yeah, because that visual of opening our hands there is something about the mind body connection and we can visually see that thing in our hand or that person and it is it times it can feel painful to physically open your hands because the symbolism is so strong but I think that’s also what makes it so effective.

 

Cheri Gregory 24:12

I agree because I think sometimes I’ll be like well I need to surrender this okay Lord in my mind I’m like okay, Lord a thorough but it feels like it’s just another thought like it’s an idea rather than actually something I’ve done. Yeah. So I appreciate you sharing the kinesthetic and verbal and multi sensory, I guess, approach to doing it. So Barb, this is all been so incredibly valuable. What closing words do you have to motivate our listeners who want to let go and live like Jesus?

 

Barb Roose 24:41

I am so grateful that I have been able to hang out with you and everyone listening, my encouragement it comes in the form of what we call the wilderness ABCs and so friends if you’re listening today and this is the surrender journey that you know you need to lead, you are not in it alone. And so the surrender AB C’s are a that God always loves you. You are never alone, B is that you can believe that God is with you and for you. And C is to challenge yourself to trust God and let go, he will not let you down.

 

Cheri Gregory 25:15

He will not let me down Who? I can just feel my shoulders settling, I can feel myself exhaling amazing.

 

Amy Carroll 25:26

Just amazing. Well, Barb said exactly what I need is I continue to 2020 the year of extra, but you know, just hearing her say it’s really true that even in the hard places God never once let me down, even in the disappointments that were present.

 

Cheri Gregory 25:44

Yeah. And you know, Barb’s annual funeral is seriously the best idea I have ever heard for really, and truly putting surrender into action.

 

Amy Carroll 25:55

You know, I am such a believer in these physical rituals, like what she called us to, I think back to the Old Testament, and God loves physical rituals to he put all these rituals and festivals and the place in the Old Testament. So he has actually wired us to respond to those kinds of physical rituals. And I just love that she’s given me something new to do with those disappointments and heartbreaks.

 

Cheri Gregory 26:23

So true. Well, friend, We sure hope that you’ve enjoyed listening to Episode 215 of grit and grace the podcast as much as we’ve enjoyed making it for you.

 

Amy Carroll 26:34

And we want to say a big thank you to Barbara she’s author of surrendered 40 devotions to help you let go and live like Jesus and her publisher Abingdon press for making this episode possible.

 

Cheri Gregory 26:46

This deebo is so packed with practical wisdom and useful reminders. It’s a great way to start the morning and if or when your thoughts or feelings start to stray, you can pick it back up throughout the day,

 

Amy Carroll 26:58

check out our web page at grit and grace the podcast.com slash Episode 215 there you’ll find our transcript. A link to Barbara Reese’s book surrendered 40 devotions to help you let go and live like Jesus and a link to Barbara Reese’s website. If you’re not

 

Cheri Gregory 27:16

yet a member of our Facebook group, we would love to have you join us just search for grit and grace the community and you’ll find us

 

Amy Carroll 27:23

next week we’ll be talking with Melissa Spoelstra author of the names of God His character revealed

 

Cheri Gregory 27:29

for today grow your grit,

 

Amy Carroll 27:32

embrace God’s grace,

 

Cheri Gregory 27:34

and as God reveals the next step to live your one life. Well,

 

Amy Carroll 27:37

we’ll be cheering you on, so TAKE IT!